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| I want to write, every single day I come up with thing I want to say on here, but I never sit down to do it. there is always something else I do instead and mostly it isnt what I want.
Ive forgotten how to type. Its been so long since I worte anything of length that my fingers have fallen, I spend more time backspacing than I do typing. Funny, I never miss the backspace/delete button I use it so much.
Sex.
Sex is a big deal in my life. My drive follows the sex curve as well. As in, the more I have the more I want. That seems odd on many levels, mostly because its when you dont have something that you want it mroe and more. Thats the way it is with many things in youre life, when you cant have or dont have is when you want it most.
This is the opposite for me with sex. It seems that when it isnt part of my life I dont notice or care. But once I start to have sex regularly it becomes something that I need. it isnt a compound thing, it isnt if I get some I want more and when there's more all I want is more and more getting to a non-stop phase, it isnt like that. I guess being in a real relationship does it mostly, you have the availablity and you get to choose, more or less, how much sex you have and when you have some it tends to lead into more.
Its the same with masturbation. When Im not having any sex I tend to not masturbate at all, also seemingly the opposite of the norm.
it sounds funny I guess, mostly when you dont get laid at all you spend a lot more time with yourself and your hands, or toys as it goes. But when I start one more often I do the other. Its a symbiatic relationship, sex being on the brain and in the hand.
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| where do we go from here?
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| even when you get what you want it might not make you happy.
for the last two weeks I have been craving two things, well two small things, and i just hadnt been able to fit them into my life. an almond snickers bar and a cigarette. I dont smoke often and I eat cadybars even less, but that is what I have wanted every time I go into a gas station, its all I can think about when Im doing nothing. So today after a very long shift at my shop I walked up to the marathon station and purchased one of each, a snickers bar and a pack of camel lights. I did not choose the almond snickers, possibly my first mistake, I chose the new 'black' or 'dark' snickers, its the same as a regular one except this one is made with dark choclate instead of milk, i prefer dark to milk. this was not the right decision.
as i walked to the store i was running through my head all the different brands of cigarette that i have purchased in the past and decided on Marb lights, as I had not had one in years so I figured it would be a nice change of pace instead of my usual Parliament light. and by usual i mean when i happen to buy cigarettes every 6 months or so. I said camel light at the counter without thinking, this was not the right choice.
so here i sit, unhappy and unfulfilled because i made quick and rash decisions based on instant thought instead of following my planned rout and I am not satisfied because of it.
i did not enjoy my candy bar or my camel, they both left a bad taste in my mouth.
The thought that looms in the back on my mind of the reason for this post is not about the items themselves, but what they represent in my life. i hate these two things, candy bars and cigarettes, and i wonder if my brain overpowered my lust and choose two things that would make me very unhappy so that i would remember how much i hate these things, becasue had I bought what i went up there for perhaps I would have enjoyed them too much causing me to buy them more often, the smoke and sugar.
the at-the-moment desired affect was not met, but perhaps my long term goal was satisfied by telling my body not to smoke and to be cautious of my temptations.
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| everybody lies in their own special way.
its really scary, being 25, when you start to having heart problems. I guess 'problems' isnt the right word, maybe 'acting up' is a better way to put it. there isnt a problem with my heart, it works as good as I can remember it working, its just acting up, being a brat about things.
it beats strangely and by strangely I mean that sometimes I can feel it through my chest, like its outside of my chest. while this happens it beats irregular, 3 fast followed by 5 slow beats, then 4 or 5 normal then fast again. I dont think Im skipping beats, they just dont follow any real sort of pattern. so its a little scary.
there is no explanation for it yet, doesnt matter what im up to or whats going on around me, could be nothing and it could be a whole lot. not after sex all the time and not during or after running, necessarily. today I was eating lunch and my heart got loud, so loud I could hear it over my headphones, so loud I thought someone had knocked on my door. but its not everyday.
today was the first time in weeks that I have noticed it, and before that I dont really remember what was going on, could have been during a movie.
so what Im starting to do is document when it happens, document whats going on and what i have been up at and if im eating, maybe its jalapeños or caffeine, maybe its tortilla chips or the shoes Im wearing, I dont know. All I know is that for the first time in my life something is fucking around in my body and I dont know how to stop it or why its happening. so Im a little scared.
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| is "luck" just a colloquial way of saying "coincidence"?
Today I saw a man I knew to be a pedophile. He was THAT uncle, the guy you know in your family to stay away from. He was just a little too touchy and a little too friendly with the young women of the group today. He was Uncle Joe, and Uncle Joe organized the touch football game in the park.
Uncle Joe wore shorts that were a bit too short so everyone could see way too much of his hairy white legs, his shirt was nearly seethrough; one of those short cut 'football' style shirts where the sleeve are really big and tight-nit and the body being made from very thin soft mesh allowing any onlooker to see your skin, your moles, your hairy belly. Uncle Joe was at a wedding receprtion, he brought his own beer, Keystone Light. Keystone light is the beer college kids buy when they really have only $12 and need 40 beers, its the beer you use to play beer pong, the beer you put in your beer bong, its the beer you dont want to actually be drinking.
when a member of a family shows up at your wedding reception with his own beer, short-shorts, see through top and organizes a touch football game with the kids, make sure your's doesnt touch the field.
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